marți, 13 martie 2018

I can't f***kin cook



On today’s episode of  “I can’t fuckin’ cook”, I tried to cook a pizza. *audience yelling about how I’ll never get married and I’ll die out of starvation*



The recipe is simple, all you need is: bread, ketchup, sliced cheese, salami ,*flashback of me saying that I’m gonna eat healthier* tomatoes,mushrooms, one egg, one barrel of patience and one of pure talent because you need that one in order to screw up even a pizza.

Step 1: Slice everything except your fingers.
Step 2: Spread ketchup on the bread but be extra careful to don’t do it evenly, alternate between the slices, one with just a hint, the other soacked. Bonus points:  Squeeze half of the ketchup in the tray instead.
Step 3: Pre-heat your oven in order to get your pizza ready for the flames of hell.
Step 4: Throw everything you have, including your motivation to live, on the bread. Put the egg on top. Use a spoon to pick up the egg and put it back on place multiple times because it slides off the pizza the same way my self-esteem runs down the drain.
Step 5: Put it in the oven and stare at it for 10 minutes.
Step 6: *runs out of patience*  Time to turn up the heat!!!


Step 7: Get distracted by your phone.
Step 8: Realise your pizza burned out more than your dreams.
Step 9: Have a mental breakdown.
Step 10: Try not to cry.
Step 11: Ain’t nobody got time to cry when is hungry.
Step 12: Take the burned parts out. Proceed to also burn the top of your mouth because got-no-damn-patience-man.

*TV spot: someone handing me a Snicker because I turn into an idiot when I’m hungry*


Review: It was eatable and it tasted surprisingly good. It was the first and the last time I’m gonna put an egg on a pizza, sorry, I don’t get it. I’ll give it 2 starts because it had a slightly taste of depression and anxiety.

And for the big reveal, this is my beautiful creation:


Now, please, don’t go all Gordon Ramsay on me. If the pizza won’t kill me, the embarrassment will.



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